Irrelevant Shit-talk and Self Evaluation

I feel kind of shit all of a sudden, you know those days that you just wake up and don’t feel as good as yesterday? I’m having one of them. I feel gross. I need me a shower. I found some old photos and realized how happy I was in them and then realized how much more happy I actually should have been. I’m content most of the time now but the facts are I don’t have it as good as I did and I’m only fully appreciating the experiences I had then, now. I wish I appreciated them more when they happened.IMG_20140421_132148 Emotions are so fucking retarded. I used to switch my emotions all off and then purge them all at once and repeat the cycle. Now I’ve learned to deal with them as they come. I think my current discomfort is from not breathing enough. When I say not breathing, I’m obviously always breathing but I mean really breathing, taking a breath and sinking into yourself and realizing where you are, what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, taking that second to regather. I’ve been on YouTube just sporadically  jumping from video to video until I found a cover song and when I went back to the search tab to type in some other shit and I stopped myself because I knew I had to just listen to the song. I’m reading a book on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. It’s the second book of his I’ve read. I bought it the other day when I got my camera and the only reason I bought it is because my phone didn’t have charge and I needed something to look at on the train. I hate not having headphones or anything on the train, all you end up doing is spending the entire trip trying to not look at all the sad people in your peripheral. Everyone looks so numb on trains. Although I read these books, I still consistently forget to put the techniques I learn into practice. When I do, 90% of the time It’s ironically while I’m reading the books, that’s why I enjoy them so much. I haven’t meditated for a while and I’ve been eating shit food. I also give these things some credit for my current feeling of blagh. I need to get healthy, I really do. I’m young and I can take it but I could be so much better off if I changed some of my habits. That’s why looking back at old photos made me tick a little. I’m jealous of myself a few years ago when I had the same habits but they hadn’t really affected and I’m even more jealous of myself back before I started them. My physical health needs some work at the moment so I should try and get around to that one day. I wish I was less guarded back then but then I’m not sure if I am even any less guarded now or I just think I am. My perception has changed so much. I look at photos of myself I liked back then and photos I didn’t like of f but I think the absolute opposite now and I find that funny. I think I was trying to put on more of an act back then, I’m always putting on an act but now it’s a different act. This makes me realize that my perception of myself and the world at large is so ridiculously warped fit my own liking but then saying that I don’t think it’s ever possible to remove our filters, only to mould them in different shapes, I want to mould mine into a shape that makes me more positive, I might never be right about what I think but I’ll always think I’m right so for me the goal isn’t so much to find the truth anymore but to find what’s going to make me and everyone else happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to remain authentic but what’s authentic about me  is bound to change as my emotional body and overall vibration changes, I need my lifestyle and belief system to be of benefit to me, my personality will change accordingly.

 

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