Afraid (guest post)

This poem is something I worked on for over two years while I was struggling with drug addiction and each verse was written at a different stage of my addiction. And yes I’m clean now get off my ass guys I was troubled.

P.S To whoever may be reading this, I know how Tourniquet is properly pronounced but I like the way I say it better so go suck your own asshole.

BIRTH
There once was a man who we labelled afraid. He’d hide in his home and wait out his days. Lonely and bitter from dawn until dark. He only went out to smoke crack in the park. We labelled him wasted, we labelled him dumb. Don’t label addiction that’s my rule of thumb. Maybe I’m lonely, maybe I’m sad. Maybe I don’t care and my illness is glad. Maybe I’m broken, maybe I’m hurt. Maybe I just don’t know how to value my worth. Maybe I’m angry about all that’s not fair. Or maybe I’m AFRAID and I still don’t care.

ILLUSION
Maybe I’m conflicted about all that is evil. The way the demon bellows and screams from the needle. The way the walls close in when you’re tired and don’t eat. What is LIFE for someone who just wakes to go to sleep? ALL is life for someone who just lives to chase his feet because DREAMS are made of footsteps and the people that we meet. I don’t know if SOBER is a feeling I belong but these MUNTED, CRAZY people were my family all along.

REALISATION
Now I can’t see the lightwave particle HIGHWAY through the DARK but following ones before me is no way to leave a mark, so I’ll go UP to DOWN and spin life’s tables like Satan’s tourniquet. I’m starting to see myself differently and that’s something I hate to admit. I’m like a CONTRADICTION and a walking PARADOX had kids and every time I see a mirror I have to wonder who that is. I look to HEAVEN’s stars hoping to gain some more insight but someone once told me that GOD is just a frequency of light. I keep trading one addiction for another so I’m still high as a kite, I swear that someone’s following me and I’m not ready to fight. Im fucking sick and tired of having to walk around with a knife just because the DRUGS in my pocket are more valuable than my life.

MORTALITY
In fact I’m always sick so I use whisky to ease my stomach, I was on the mountains SUMMIT now I’m watching myself PLUMMET. When I hit the ground all that will be left is broke rubbish or maybe I’ll fall through the earth and come out of a blackhole as nothing. Life is transcendental but I can’t find the other side, I just witnessed my uncles stabbing when he did nothing, like what the fuck if he died? My FAMILY is supportive and they’re still by my side, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because they’re all fucking HIGH. It’s not like I’m angry at the hand I was dealt, I swear I chose to fly away with the NARCOTICS elf. It’s just maybe if I could see my dad I could learn how to be righteous but the girl who broke my heart still has me feeling lifeless. Some of my family are in prison and some others are on that WHITE shit, all the rest are drinking spirits or smoking bongs with the lights dim. It’s not like I HATE my life, I just don’t like myself because I’m a hypocrite. I tell other people to stay clean but I swear my drug dealers is a hypnotist. I like lighting matches in the rain just to see how long the spark lives, I miss my grandmother and I can’t explain how lonely the night is. Maybe if my CONSCIOUSNESS ascends I can see myself in her likeness so Im gonna go to a river and talk to fish because she was a pisces.

HYSTERIA
Well I just had my first major seizure and I’m finally out of the hospital, I was huffing up oxygen like a stoner at a music festival. For the time I was in there I honestly felt like a vegetable, I never said a word to the nurses I just waited until I could go home. I swear I’m haunted because I tried to just quit it all and then four days later I had a seizure from all the WITHDRAWAL’s. When I sit alone I hear voices calling from the walls, they say to me I’ll never be clean because I’m destined to fall. So i stopped resisting and started chasing those DRAGON’s. everybody has a purpose I guess mines sticking to drugs like a magnet. I’ve been taking so much that it’s finally become my obsession, I get high before I talk to people so I can ask spiritual questions. Like what’s the meaning of life? Do you wanna see my scars? Because my IMPRESSION’s been DEPRESSION since the city killed all the stars. I just wander aimlessly at night, making noise on the concrete. Now I don’t even really care if some big gang jumped me. DEATH isn’t scary anymore when you’re a junkie because if I die, it’ll just be a story of another fall like Humpty Dumpty’s. I’m just gonna walk until I don’t know where I am and then I’ll try to find my way home in a couple days after I finish this gram.

EXODUS
I’ve recently found out the definition of betrayal, they were searching through my things even stealing all my mail. They even sold my guitar which I use to express my torment just to get some drugs that they can shoot up in a toilet. My life keeps getting greyer cause all my “friends” just love to spoil it, I swear that they’ve AWOKEN an emotion that lied dormant. They ruined my Christmas and it’s my birthday in a week, I hope they don’t ruin that too but they’re not that unique. I wish they’d just be candid and say that they don’t like Michael, instead of playing with my emotions like a toddler on his Tricycle. I take drugs because I’m trying to fight fear, the fear that I’m NOT REAL and that I’m not really here. They take drugs cause they want to be crazy like Hannibal but they’re too stupid to realise, we’re the only species of animal that avoids the TRUTH of what we are like its flammable. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not because we’re all individuals, you guys all look and act the same and you say that you’re original. I’m getting tired of people acting like kids, I’m NOT your fucking principal so go and grow the fuck up and learn some real world principles. They say that birds of a feather flock together when it’s cold but I’m nothing like you because I have an OLD soul. I am not a victim because I have all of the control so I’m moving the fuck out, enjoy your shit hole.

MANIFEST DESTINY
It’s been one and a half summers since I left the cities of sunlight, I thought I’d be happy without it but I still don’t feel right. Being addicted to drugs with fake friends was like a prison built in HELL but being all alone is a PRISON in itself. I’m twelve months clean but I’m not sober because I’ve been drinking all the time, it’s just a crossover. I’ve gotten a lot better than when I used to be cracked but I still can’t throw out my NEEDLE’s it’s like I’m still trapped. Spending so many days all alone makes you see things, I’ve grown up a lot but I still talk to myself like someone’s listening. I have to see a therapist now because my minds still not healthy, he’s put me on so many PRESCRIPTION’s and I can’t afford them cause I’m not wealthy. He does make some good points though, he says life was harder for me because I wasn’t PRIVILEGED from the get go, it’s like they were all playing PlayStation and I didn’t even have Lego. I’m still DEPRESSED like I always have been but I’m learning to deal with shit, I’ve decided that life is a GIFT and we should cherish it. There’s so many things to experience bad and GOOD but I don’t care which I get because cause I always learn a lesson about what’s not understood. Life is a journey that is beyond HUMAN comprehension so enjoy the little things until you reach your destination. I always say half what you hear and not what you see because life is more than our perception, it’s not for us to decide the meaning of LIFE because it’s not our invention. I thought my purpose was to take drugs but I think it’s making people HAPPY, I enjoy to put a smile on someone’s face when they feel crappy. If you think that life’s not fair or not worth living then listen, fairness is a human CONCEPTION and which way are you swimming? If you fight the currant you won’t ever win don’t you know? It’s better to brush shit off and just let hatred go. Fill yourself with love and dream big because you SHOULD, you may never reach them but nothing easy is ever good. If you’re an addict like I was then you’re worth more than a human amount. So don’t count the days, make the days count.

Learn from this and remember that just because things are bad now it doesn’t mean they always will be. Much love from a changed person.

Written by Michael Timothy Anaya II 2016-2018 in QLD Australia, the poem was finished at 2:40 am and the date is 3/2/2018 if you’re an American 2/3/2018. The reason I bothered to put this is because I intend to share my journey with people, look I’m proud of this poem and I’m never proud of things, this poem means a lot to me so please nobody steal it. That’s all, thank you for reading. ❤️

 

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